'but it's been a good home to us, to me, Frank Gallagher,
'and me kids, who l'm proud of,
'cos every single one of 'em reminds me a little of me.
'They can all think for themselves, which they've me to thank for.'
Run for it!
'Fiona, who's a massive help.
'Lip, who's a bit of a gobshite, which is why nobody calls him Phillip any more.
'lan, a lot like his mam, which is handy for the others, cos she's disappeared.
'Carl. We daren't let his hair grow, for two reasons.
'One, it stands on end and he looks like Toyah. Two, nits love him.
'Debbie! Sent by God. Total angel.
'You've to check your change, but she'll always do you a favour.
'Plus Liam! Gonna be a star.
'Once we've got the fits under control.
'Steve, Fiona's boyfriend. The truth is out there. Not.
'Fantastic neighbours, Kev and Veronica.
'Lend you anything - well, not anything.
'But, all of them, to a man, know first and foremost
'one of the most vital necessities in this life
'is they know how to throw a party!
'Heh-heh-heh-heh-heh! Scatter!'
(Debbie) 'Over the hills, in a weird little land,
'with fairies and goblins with more than two hands,
'some gremlins, they say, can come with four eyes.
'The dragons can scorch with the simplest of sighs.
'The scariest thing to people like us,
'cos nothing can touch them, they're allergic to fuss.
'Until their mother appeared, started roaming their valley,
'hiding and pouncing from damp, dark alleys.
'No noise, no chewing, no signs of a fight,
'devouring the children with a plate of French fries.'
(Frank) # Oh, cockle my web, l've been through...
♪ Duh-duh-duh dee-dee... ♪
Morning, Jackie!
'They swing for their souls inside her belly.
'She laughs at their struggle, and turns them to jelly.
'When she burps, the ground shakes, the locals take cover
'as the roar of dead children repeats, over and over.'
(Frank) # Oh, what a beautiful...
- Oh! Dad! - # ..morning
♪ Oh, what a beautiful day
♪ l've got a feeling
♪ Everything's going my way ♪
(Growling and barking)
(Laughs)
- lt's not Friday. - l only come when there's a giro due?
(Postman) Don't go anywhere, Frank.
Hang on...
Hang on.
Unpaid Water Board, £150.
County Court order, Northwest Gas, £370!
- For what? - Only a guess, but gas.
Catalogue bill, TV-video combi, £380.
That's taking the piss. Who signed for the telly?
(All) You!
l'll take a one for it.
All right, 90 and a shag.
80 and a bit of poke.
These are all for Bishop's Grove. We haven't lived there for three years.
- (Doorbell) - lt's still in your name.
- What's the bloody debt good for? - So, are you paying it?
What's bloody Watchdog all about, then?
- (Doorbell ringing) - Where is it? Ah! Got it!
(Outside) ls Frank Gallagher in?
Frank ''pay-you-back'' Gallagher.
(Debbie) He doesn't live here.
Hey! Who are you? Who said you could come in?
- Two grand of debt, still mounting up. - Right, check the back.
Jesus!
(Car tyres screeching)
- (Crash) - Aargh!
Right, come on. Right...
Oof!
Right, he pays up, or he does without. And we're talking legs.
Where is he?
Right! Telly for starters, and the video. l'll phone the van for the settee.
You two! On your feet, now!
Here, l stuck a tape in for 007.
- What? - l stuck a tape in and that's my tape.
Get your hands off him!
You little...
- You touch her and l'll kill you! - Frank?
- Your dad? - He doesn't live here!
l clipped him with t'wing mirror. He ran in to me.
What's going on?
Debt recovery technicians. TlC Security.
Tony, they barged straight in, and this bastard kicked our Carl.
- They're after your dad? - He doesn't live here!
- Tell them! - Frank has not lived here in a while.
That's funny. How come his name's on the rent book for here?
Eh, that's funny.
Which one of you breached Data Protection to get that, eh?
Furniture's none of your business.
lt belongs to Fiona. So, what are we, lads?
Technicians or burglars?
- Sarge, you'd best bring the lads in. - Whoa, whoa.
(Siren)
Listen. The more you cover him, the more your dad's gonna take the piss.
- He won't change. - That's my problem, Tony.
No, it's you shouldering the problems while he laps it up at Sheila Jackson's.
- They're not your kids. - l don't have a choice.
That's exactly what l'm saying. You do. You can come and live with me.
- What? - 1 7 grand a year.
Discount mortgage, preferential insurance rates.
No debts, except the... No, come March, l'll even own the car outright.
- l could change your life. - l've got the life l want.
You are not blind. You know l've got a boyfriend.
He's not your friend! Not if he's happy leaving you in that state!
- You're bugging me. l'm late for work. - Marry me.
l mean it, Fiona. l love you.
Marry me.
(Fiona) Come on.
What?
MP3 player all over again. First you see, you buy.
You still can't get it to download.
You had sex with her once. Frank Gallagher's daughter!
Talk about rock-bleeding-bottom.
Ow!
lt took you and Tamsin four years to buy a flat.
Good decisions need time.
Three months on, you're back at your mam's,
Tamsin owns the flat and she's moved her brother in.
She just needs thinking time.
- lt is her brother. - Fuck off! He's black!
Sorry, Yvonne. l thought someone was following.
- You're picking that up. - Yeah, l will.
- Exactly as it was before. - l will.
And while you're down there, you can dust the tins!
Just watch the door...
lt doesn't make sense. Why did it take three years
- for the creditors to catch up? - We did a moonlit flit last time.
A night l'll never forget. Kids this high carrying furniture.
Couldn't tell what Frank said. We thought they were Bosnians.
- After a week we wished they were. - Nothing for three years,
then everybody finds out at once.
Steve's right. Plus, Dad was looking for a letter.
- Meaning? - He were in top form. Why?
- What was he waiting for? - He only gets his giro here.
All the bills were for Vernon Francis Gallagher.
l reckon he's broke the rules.
He's used his full name somewhere.
(Doorbell ringing)
You go, Veronica. lf it's a bailiff, say l'm out.
Go, go, go, go!
lt's never little Fiona?
No, it's little Veronica. Fuck do you want?
Mr Wilson. Housing Officer.
(Tyres screeching)
Don't lose him, George!
Hello, Frank.
(Doors thud)
Hey, Frank, while you're down there, can you just mop that sick up?
Phillip...lan...Deborah...
Debbie.
Carl...and...
Nope.
- Liam. - Get away! Liam Gallagher!
You're never gonna live that name down, son.
- You wee tinker. So, where's your dad? - He doesn't live here.
This house has six to eight berths.
People on my list need houses this size.
So if all the berths aren't in use, you're out.
Plus...there's me.
- Who are you? - l'm Frank's eldest, Stevie.
- So, Frank's... - Still in lraq.
- Come again? - He joined the army.
l know you're pulling my leg, cos l was on the phone to Frank.
We had an appointment here.
Never kid a kidder. l don't like being lied to.
Start again?
lt's four bedrooms or five here?
Four. Why?
Request from the Child Support Agency for a domestic circumstances appraisal.
- Ha! Their phrase, not mine. - Hang on!
What's any of this got to do with the Child Support Agency?
Presumably because your mum asked for a summary.
Mum?
Do you know where she is?
Don't you?
So who filed the claim against her, if your dad's not living here?
What have you done?
Do us a favour.
Ring this number. Find out if Monica's there.
lf she is, then tell her congratulations, she's won.
Who's Monica?
- Doesn't matter! - Won what?
You know, whatever. Lottery.
- Teddy bear! - For what?
Just do as your told and make the call!
Just...a teddy bear.
Massive!
Just say that!
l hope Monica, whoever she is, worked very hard for it.
What the...?
Hey... Hey...
Come on.
What, you think l'm going around chasing skirt?
Give over, Sheila. A bloke couldn't love anybody more than l love you.
She's not really won a teddy.
And if l was giving away a teddy, you'd be absolutely top of the list.
l'll let you give us one with the biggest in the box.
Are you sure you're ready for that?
Yeah, just give us a couple of aspirin, get it over and done with.
Then you ring Monica.
Yeah?
Michael, over.
Anything your end, George?
'Over.'
'Nothing, Michael. Over.'
(Electronic beeping)
This'll be ready in a sec. Over.
'Am l coming over? Over.'
Yeah. Come over.
Over.
Oh, hello!
- ls he not in here? - Daren't go home.
Which is great for the till, so don't go cheering him up.
(Fruit machines playing tunes)
- You know where Mum is. - No.
Liar. We've had the housing officer round. You filed a claim against her.
They know where she is. They won't give us the address.
We have got bailiffs front and back cos of you.
''Cos of me''! No one blames your mam, no one has a go at that gutless bitch.
Bloody right l've made a claim!
The pain she's caused me.
The shit Monica's loaded on me. She's living it up
with a bloke in Moston and l'm fetching up six kids on fucking peanuts!
You are not bringing up six kids. You never brought up six kids. l am!
lf there's any money coming, it's owed to me.
How do you know she's in Moston?
Jackie Peasgood gave me her number.
That's how the CSA traced her.
lt's a Moston code.
- Have you talked to her? - Have l fuck.
lf she finds out l'm on to her, we won't see her for dust, will we?
l want to see that money...
- What? - She thinks she's won a teddy.
Monica?
Oh, hello. lt's Sheila here.
From Costchopper, the mini-market.
l'm delighted to announce you've won the raffle.
lt's a teddy bear.
First prize.
Biggest teddy there is.
l know.
l've never won anything either.
l bet you're thrilled, aren't you?
l'm thrilled for you.
Anyway, prize-giving's at six o'clock.
Carol Vorderman's making the presentation.
She doesn't know who Carol is.
How could you not know who Carol Vorderman is?
(Mouths)
Anyway, it's six on the dot.
Richard Whiteley might be there and all.
Bye, Monica.
She's never heard of Richard Whiteley.
- ls she coming? - Richard Whiteley!
Did she say she was picking up the prize?
Yes, big daft moo.
How do you know her, anyway?
lf she shows her face, l'll follow her exactly to where she's hiding.
We need you home when Wilson comes back.
When's he offering?
Tomorrow. Eleven o'clock.
- l'll see if l can make it. - You will not see if you can!
You will bloody well be there and sort this out!
(Door slams)
Ready, Frank?
Monica...
Monica?
What kind of money are we talking?
Seven grand so far.
- Christ. Where did he spend it? - Not the house.
- Not clothes. - Not food.
Here we go. One of the original labour-saving devices,
beaten only by the vibrator!
- Veronica! - What? They all know what a vibrator is.
That may be, but it's not for discussion in an open house.
Oh, grow up! Right, if it dries up, just gob on it.
- See? - Eugh!
Right, kids, what am l doing?
(Sobbing)
Look at the state of her! Your idea of a joke?
Cos you're scared of women with opinions, eh?
Well, watch this space, crinkle dick.
l'll show you what's funny when l rip the face off your fucking head!
You twisted fascist old shit!
- Are you sure you got the right shop? - Yeah.
l'm asking you to think. Did they say Costchopper?
Yeah! l wrote it down. l wrote everything down.
Stop talking to me like l'm stupid.
Frank?
- What? - lt's Frank!
Frank!
- Did you see the missus? - She's seen me! Come on, come on!
- Who's the other bird? - Her bloke!
- A truck driver! What's that all about? - Eh?
Come on, floor it, Kev, or we're done for.
(ln distance) Come here! l'll get you, you bastard!
(Horn blaring)
Come on! Faster than this, you gormless dick!
l can't go faster. Why the hell didn't you say she was a lezzer?
lf l'd have known, l'd have asked her back, wouldn't l?
(Horn blaring)
Next exit, Kev!
(Horn blaring)
Come on!
(Tyres screeching)
What did l say? Milk and egg, mixed by whisk, coat very gently, it'll always crisp.
- lt smells fantastic, Sheila. - Thanks to you, the new Delia.
Actually, l've lost patience with Delia since the new haircut.
lt's too severe. Plus she never writes back.
(Screams)
- What? - What about the bloody car?
Oh, for Chr... Get it shifted, you dateless ginger nonce!
You're crossing the line. Ginger's all l've got left of me dad,
- so l'm warning you! - (Truck approaching)
(Clatter)
Sheila! Where's the back door key?
l'm trying to concentrate a little bit here, Frank, thank you.
Mum...
Mum?
Debbie?
- lt's nowt to do with me. l'm the driver. - That's driving? Huh!
l've got to get back to work. l said l'd only be half an hour.
Plenty of other jobs.
That were a filthy bloody trick. l had me heart set on that teddy.
Oh! ''Teddy'' is it? ''Heart set'', is it? So, what about your kids?
Your six kids, youngest being four months old
when you ran off with fucking Shrek.
- Am l answering that, Monica? - No.
l didn't leave you, Frank.
- You bloody did! You pissed off! - l didn't leave me family!
You'd done your worst to destroy me!
When l got to Norma's that night, l was like a bloody...
- Emotional cripple. - ..total emotional cripple
with not one iota of self-respect.
You drove me into the ground!
You'd rob me of any dignity l ever had and...
Where's the rest of the kids?
- They live down Fiona's. - Playing out.
- George. Over. - 'Michael. Over.'
- Oi! - Sit down, mate.
Oi! Oi! Oi! Oi!
Debbie!
What's up, sweetheart?
Did he have one too many?
Just ignore him.
Why do you always blame Dad first?
Hey!
Come on!
l'm going round Sheila's.
Mum's round there.
Oh, Christ, Fiona. Come here.
- ls this...? ls this a good idea? - l dunno.
lt wasn't mine, was it?
She just rolled up, scared the shit out of Debbie.
Listen... Listen...
- l know how you're feeling. - No, you...
You can't...
What if you just go round?
l'll come with you.
Look at their faces, for fuck's sakes.
- l'll go with you. - We both will, won't we?
Wrong, Carl, cos l am not...fucking...coming!
- You abused her. - She asked me to!
- Walloping her? - What?
- When? - Frank, you never!
- Fuck off! When? - That May Bank Holiday.
You hit me with a pan of fucking porridge!
- You hit me back! - Queensberry rules. You broke my nose!
l looked like Ann fucking Widdecombe! You started it, mad bitch!
l'll finish it if you lay a finger on her!
Norma, we're both just third parties here.
Why don't we both just duck out and leave Monica to make her apologies?
- For walking out on this piece of shit? - Not particularly.
Walking out on them.
Oh, my God...
lt's all right, l'm not one of yours. Just came for a look.
Oh, Kev!
Come on, let us in.
l know you don't need anybody, Debs, but...
What if l do?
(Door opens)
(TV in background)
'..all of the female genitalia, the most severe form of circumcision.'
Monica's...
She looks absolutely beautiful.
l miss her.
l'll have paid this house off by the time l'm 54.
We put down a big deposit.
You use love eggs?
Not so much these days, not since Frank.
My mum had a pair before they were fashionable.
l remember thinking, Easter's a long way off.
What the fuck are you on, Sheila?
Oh, God, now you're asking!
Erm...
Seroxin, 350 milligrams.
Breakfast and teatime.
Dipipanol, 25s, three times daily.
Er, Praxil, 200s.
No, l tell a lie, it's 400s.
Come Monday, just breakfasts. And, erm...
Carbomazepan, whenever l manage to take them.
(Deep, soulful voice) # l am not in love
♪ But l'm open to persuasion
♪ East or West
♪ Where's the best
♪ For romancin'?
♪ With a friend
♪ l can smile
♪ With a lover who can hold my hand
♪ l can laugh, really laugh
♪ Thank you ♪
What are you sticking your arse out for?
Blasted shoes.
(Wolf whistle and dogs barking)
Frank, you're scaring the dogs. Saying that, scaring them is an improvement.
Save you a bob or two.
- l'm doing this for you. - No, Dad.
You're doing it cos you're dead if you don't.
- George. Over. - 'Michael. Over.'
There's a ropey old bird with the eldest daughter. His missus, probably.
She looks more hungover than he does.
l bet he's not far away. Keep your eyes peeled, your end. Over.
'Over.'
l'm a wee bit early.
lf you think l'm walking back in these you've got another fucking think coming!
Frank?
- Never! - There's these blokes out there...
l don't want to know about blokes out there!
Fuck off! All l'm saying...
That sounded far-fetched. Now we know why. l've started,
so l might as well finish.
Are you living here officially, or not?
Look, l'm here, aren't l?
Shut up!
- Sleeping where? - My bedroom, back left.
How long have we known each other? What we need to know...
l think l know a sight more than l wanted.
- Back left is Debbie's room. - No.
(Fiona) Yeah.
How many beds, Deborah?
- Do l nip upstairs and look? - Single.
We chucked the double out when...
Wait, stop, right there.
l am way out of my league.
Billy, Mr Wilson, don't do that, cos Dad's right.
They made me do this. l've got to avoid people, you see.
You're avoiding them, Frank? ls that right?
How long have l been doing this job?
l'm not a scaredy-cat. l housed your mum when she was on parole.
Nobody else would touch her. You were a teenager.
l've done nothing but favours.
But now you've had it.
That's your copy of the report.
Good luck with the CSA claim. Cos when you get it, l want two grand off you.
What... What for, for fuck's sake?
Rent arrears from your last address in your other name.
Don't think you'll get away with it, cos l'll haunt you till the day you die
for every last penny,
madam.
Aaargh!
- What did you do that for? - Mr Wilson, are you OK?
That's all you can do! He'll do you for assault now, you gormless prick!
He started it!
Get some ice or something.
Keep your head back in case it's bleeding.
l try...
l blow it.
That's why l don't go to church any more!
Wife's gone walkabout, George.
She's looking a bit knocked about. Over.
- Rough as arseholes, actually. Over. - 'Ta, Michael.'
'Bloke from Housing's just come out with busted nose! Over.'
He must be in there.
Go, go, go! l'll talk to the missus.
Over!
ls anyone around here normal?
Frank!
You think you're clever, Frank? You reckon this is clever?
Oof!
Steady on, Michael!
Do you know what your new name is, Frank? You know what people call you?
Dead Man Walking. When you change into your nightie, just sleep on this...
Do you want one? Then clear it up and fuck off!
You and all!
Men, eh?
There you are, mate. £2.30.
Ta.
l'm not in t'market for business, love.
Who's fucking asking? Only wanted a light.
(Veronica giggles)
Sorry.
lt's just that, well...
Today's been a bit, you know, new job.
Trying to get used to it.
Oh... Who'd you work for?
- TlC security. - Ooh...
l know, l'm not proud of it, but...
Lost me job. l've got three kids. And a new mortgage.
l love kids, me. And l love mortgages.
- But in that order! (Both chuckle)
So, what have you got, then?
Right, well, l've got an endowment, a repayment, and the new one's a tracker.
Tracker? How does that work?
- Goes up and down with interest rates. - Does it?
- You'll have to tell me about that one. - l'll get you a leaflet.
(Doorbell ringing)
- Come on, darling, have some tea. - l'm not very hungry.
- Nice and clean. - lan and Carl.
You've done well here.
Thanks.
lt's bigger than mine, and l'm working.
Oh, look!
Remember Barbara? Mum's sister, Barbara.
l told you about her. Married to the John with no eyebrows.
Barbara gave me this as part of my wedding present.
Other part being what?
- When did you last see the car? - lt was parked outside.
- When did you last have the keys? - ln here. ln me pocket.
ln here?
All right, who's the smartarse?
l'll count to five.
Five!
Four, three, two, one!
Waste of fucking space! Phone a taxi!
Phone was in the car.
- Get out! - (Jeering)
Look, l know what you all think of me, but if l have to start apologising,
l'll be undoing a lot of good therapy that Norma's been kind enough to pay for.
Thank you, Norma.
- You got kids, Norma? - Not yet.
- You got a problem with that? - Norma...
l'm working out which of you came up with the idea of her vanishing.
Mum, doing a disappearing act.
Liam wasn't desperate, cos he was only three months old.
Debbie was. Carl was, lan was, Lip was. l was.
We thought you were dead.
l'm a lesbian, Fiona.
ls she?
How was l meant to come back and tell you that?
- Gently? ln stages, or never. - So, is she?
Your mum's been through hell and high water, Fiona.
You better believe it, girl.
You could have popped in to mention you were alive. Might have helped.
- (Norma) You weren't. - l wasn't alive, Fiona.
Not till l met Norma.
Look, l swear to you, Fiona, l stuck it in my diary to ring you next week.
For your 21 st, to say hello and well done.
- What good's that? - She's done a great job.
Look at you all! l swear to you, Lip,
to you all, l'd never have left if l didn't think Fiona could cope.
l taught her all she knows. She ran rings round your dad before she was seven.
l knew you'd be safe. Well, you could, couldn't you?
l mean, it's not like l left anybody in a mess.
l knew Fiona could cope.
Lip, lan, tell her how many GCSEs you're doing.
- l'm doing ten. - Seven or eight, l'm not too sure yet.
Debbie, prizes this year.
English, maths, chemistry, and neatness.
Carl, you tell her what you built when you went to Swindon.
Triple-cushion, double-aerofoil streamline hovercraft.
- Went like a bomb. - Hovercraft, to you.
- Why was he in Swindon? - Two-week residential speech therapy.
Took me a year to get him a place, but l did it.
Yeah, l coped. Thanks!
No thanks, not to you.
lf anybody could change your dad, she could, l knew that.
He hasn't changed! How's he changed?
- Well, he's a lot cleaner. - He's as much help as you've been.
We're better off without both of you.
You couldn't have known that when you fucked off, could you? You didn't know.
You never bothered finding out!
(Beeping)
l told you l'd get all the blame, didn't l?
l talked to loads of people, and l heard how you were getting on.
- Big fucking deal! - l'm not happy with underage swearing!
That's fine, Norma, cos l'm fucking off anyway. l am proud of every one of them.
And l am proud of me, for pulling it off!
But they're your kids.
So you take over from here.
Housing Office, bailiffs, schools, clinic.
Over to you, Mum!
Hey, hey, hey, Fiona, you OK?
Your house. Drive!
- # Crazy - (Sobbing)
♪ l'm crazy for feeling so lonely
♪ l'm crazy
♪ l'm crazy for feeling so blue... ♪
(Debbie) 'The bitch, as she's called amongst elves,
'brought this tormenting curse upon herself.
'She'd been on a bender and staggered home pissed,
'found an eighth and some Rizlas and rolled out a spliff.
'Got the munchies and reached for the handiest snack.
'She ate her own kids and then spat them straight back.
'''Forgive me, my beauties, what a dreadful mistake.''
'The children can't hear her, they've gone, it's too late.'
Sweet Jesus, no...
- Both wrists, and a bottle of tablets. - l blame myself.
- (Screams) - Dead? How?
Woman over there says heart attack.
l couldn't understand what had gone wrong!
Boo! Two and a half grand, and counting!
Steven McBride, l'm arresting you on suspicion...
l want a lawyer.
(Carl) 'He's dead! And he's not coming back!'
- Monica... - 'Who's Monica?'
- Mum... - Mum?
She looks absolutely beautiful. l miss her.
- Marry me. - You know l've got a boyfriend.
Two grand's worth of debt and still rising!
- 'Where is he?' - 'We have got bailiffs front and back.'
'Do you know your new name, Frank? Dead Man Walking.'
Mr Wilson, Housing Officer.
You won't get away with that one cos l'll haunt you for every last penny,
- madam. - (Screaming)
He's no more help than you. We'd have been better off without both of you.
Over to you...Mum!
Your house. Drive.